Too often before we reach the point of change, we waste time and energy wallowing, or beating ourselves up, or wishing we were in a different place. Why do we do that? Do we have to be disgusted by our bodies before we take better care of them? Must we feel ashamed of how disorganized our home is before we clean out the scary hall closet? Are we required to punish ourselves before we deserve to move on? No! So, can we just stop it?
Easier said than done, I know.
Here are four practices that can help us drop negative thoughts and energy (the changing-me mentality) and focus on more productive positive energy (rediscovering-me mentality).
let go of the past
We touched on this last week. While we can't change the past, we can let go of the power it holds over us. My friend's counselor put it this way - Are you responsible for the fact that you were abused as a child? Absolutely not! But are you responsible for the choices you make as a thirty-year-old woman because of it? Yes.
It may take a lot of hard work to let go if our issues are deep, but we can do it, and it's more than worth any amount of work it takes.
On the other hand, it may be as easy as changing our mind about how we'll let our past affect us. We won't know until we try.
let go of regret
Letting go of regret doesn't mean we suddenly decide we haven't made any mistakes. It means we do what we can to repair any damage we may have caused by our mistakes and examine them to find what we have learned or can learn from them. A mistake that's learned from becomes a life lesson. How can we regret learning something as important as a life lesson?
let go of wishing we were somewhere else
I may have a burning desire to run a marathon before I die, but right now I may not even be able to run a mile. It can be tempting to spend time and energy wishing we were further along the path toward our goal. Thoughts like, "If only I had kept up with the program I started _______ months ago, I'd be running ______ miles by now," or "So and so is my age and at about the same fitness level, and she runs 10Ks all the time. I wish I could to do that," are not even the tiniest bit helpful or productive. Well, good for so and so, and maybe you could be running so many miles if you had stayed with your program. But so what? I mean, really. So? What? That's not you, and it's not where you are, and wasting time wishing won't change that. The best use of our resources would be to let go and move on from where we actually are.
If you find yourself trapped in this kind of thinking, feel free to give yourself a good talking to. All you need to do is meet those unhelpful thoughts with a simple "So?" Just keep asking yourself that question until you run out of answers to it and are ready to let it go.
let go of self-abuse
This may be the most destructive and impairing habit of all. Berating and criticizing ourselves isn't motivating in any way, shape, or form, and you don't deserve to be treated like that! Let me repeat - You. Don't. Deserve. To. Be. Treated. Like. That. By anyone, especially yourself. Watch this video, and get back to me if you have any arguments about this.
The fact of the matter is we are where we are. No amount of self-pity, of mental self-flagellation, or any other negative, self-destructive thoughts will change that. Once we accept that, the question - the productive, healthy question - becomes, "What can I do from where I am?" Because you know what? In the eternal scheme of things, it's okay to be where you are. You may not want to stay there, and that's okay, too. But being there in this moment simply gives you a place from which to start. And what a lovely thing that is.
By recognizing, accepting, and making peace with where we are, we can make productive use of our energy by using it to analyze, rather than criticize the current state of our lives and ourselves. Then we can make realistic choices about what steps we need to take to get to where we want to be.