If I were to ask you what you need to be happy, - I'm talking "I love my life!" kind of happy - what things might be on your list? A loving marriage/relationship?
Strong connections with and between your children?
The support of close friends?
Companionship of cherished pets?
Enriching social ties?
Meaningful work?
Financial stability? Maybe even wealth?
Freedom from challenges?
Confidence?
A solid spiritual center?
Security in whatever form might speak to you?
A nice home?
Lack of chaos?
Good health?
Adventure?
A nice car? Or even simply a reliable car?
More time?
Books?
Music?
Chocolate?
This list could snake through an almost infinite number of topics and extend practically into eternity.
Many of the things we might include on our list are things we think we need to be happy. But what do honestly, at the very bottom line, actually need to be among those who can sincerely claim, "I love my life!"?
Let me tell you about my beloved friend and sister, Karen, from whom I learned so much about happiness. Say hi to Karen.
Why and how was she such an influential teacher? To understand that you need to know a bit about her. We first met in high school; she already had high blood pressure at that young age. That was just the beginning of her health challenges.
Through the years, she was diagnosed with Lupus, fibromyalgia, and other various diseases I've forgotten by now as they tried to figure out what was going on. She lived on dialysis, had a kidney transplant, rejected that kidney, dialysis again, another kidney transplant, rejected that, and lived the rest of her life on frequent and long dialysis sessions. In addition to all that, at various points in her life, she had congestive heart failure, brain surgery, a period of paralysis, hospital stays for issues too numerous to count, and died and revived three times. She was told by incredulous doctors, "You should be dead by now," so many times that it became a running joke between her and those who knew her well.
In her family life, her daughter was born very early weighing only two pounds and spent the first two to three months of her life in the hospital. Her son was also premature and lived less than six months having never left the hospital before he passed away. Her husband served two tours in the middle east and, as you can imagine even with medical coverage, they still ended up with staggering medical bills, so she was no stranger to financial difficulty.
This isn't a comprehensive list of her challenges, but it's enough to show that if anyone ever had reason to feel picked on by Life, she did. Comparing her life to our list above, she had but few of those items. She easily could have become depressed and bitter.
On the contrary, I heard her say the phrase, "I love my life," more than anyone else I've ever known.
How in the world was she able to do that?
She developed several tools for cultivating happiness. I'll only mention three she used most often.
1. She was spiritually centered.
She knew who she was at her center and clearly understood life is much bigger than here and now.
She saw the connection between our minds, our spirits, and our bodies. Whatever the specifics of a person's religious or spiritual beliefs, seeing the bigger picture, knowing that there's more to life than we see, understanding we're not alone in this thing called life, gives us the ability to be grounded even if Life is doing its best to toss us around.
2. She knew how to turn inward to find strength.
She knew how to ask for help from others, but more importantly, she knew how to access her profound inner strength as needed.
I was blessed to have been with her in some of her most challenging moments. In those moments of experiencing life at some of its greatest intensity, she would draw what strength and comfort she could from a look, a word, the touch of a hand of those there to support her. Then when the pain got so intense she didn't know if she could get through it, she would close her eyes and go inward. She would surrender with absolute trust into that moment and all that it held. Those small slices of time held the most stunning display of strength I have ever or ever hope witness.
I believe each of us comes into this world equipped with that kind of strength.
3. She chose gratitude.
Karen unfailingly looked for the beauty, the lesson to learn, the refining possibilities of every challenge. Sometimes those things were harder to see than others, but she kept looking until she found them. She's the one who taught me how to be grateful during a time of trial, not just after it when it became apparent how you'd grown from it. From her, I learned the power that lies in the ability to find gratitude, and therefore purpose and even joy in difficulty.
Sometimes in our intimate conversations during exceptionally demanding times she would use "I love my life" as more of a reminder than a declaration. Often I heard her repeat the phrase to center herself, to remind herself of the truth. It usually only took one or two repetitions before I could detect a change in her tone that told me she now meant it. She sincerely loved her life - a life that held enough challenges for ten or twenty lifetimes. There's a phrase in the Bible - "beauty for ashes" - that reminds me of Karen. She intentionally developed her skill at seeing beauty where most others would see only ashes. Because of this, she lived a life of great joy.
I'm sure you've heard before that happiness is a choice. It's true. We can choose happiness rather than think it will just happen or it won't. There are skills, habits, and practices we can pursue and develop which will enable us to make that critical choice.
So, if you don't love your life, try starting by implementing these three powerful attitudes and practices. I guarantee you'll find more joy no matter your circumstances. If you already do love your life, my guess is that you already know and do these three things.