One thing I say with some regularity is, “We’re all stupid sometimes.” I don’t say this in a disgusted people-are-idiots way; I mean it in a nobody’s-perfect-let’s-give-each-other-some-grace way. Today’s post will let you in on – or remind you of – a beautiful little trick that’s effective 90% or more of the time when we’re the one making less than stellar choices.
Here’s the secret – WE GET DO-OVERS!
We all do and say things we wish we hadn’t. Do you remember back in the day when rental videos had “Be kind. Rewind.” stickers on them? Well, we can do that in real life.
Here’s the beautiful thing: it’s almost never too late.
I learned a great lesson on this from a dear friend, Deborah. A long time ago I gave her a porch swing I had inherited it from my grandparents. It held lots of sweet memories of time shared with my family at my grandparents' cabin in the woods. Think Stand By Me/The Sandlot/innocence of youth kind of time. I cherished that swing. The problem was I had nowhere to put it. I kept it in storage for at least a couple of years before I felt the injustice of that fate for such a great piece of furniture. I knew this friend and her family would treasure the swing like I did, so I chose to give it new life by giving it to them. We loaded it into their truck; she thanked me wholeheartedly and took it home. I was happy knowing they would be happy with it.
Imagine my surprise when more than two years later a thank you card appeared in my mailbox. I had moved away by then and rarely saw this friend anymore. It turned out she had intended to write that card ever since she received the swing. Most people would’ve been too embarrassed to send that note after so much time had passed, but Deborah took her do-over instead of living with regret.
In this case, it turned out even better than it probably would have if she hadn’t “been negligent” to begin with. If she had sent the note right away, I would have appreciated getting it at the time but likely wouldn’t remember it specifically so many years later. By taking her do-over, she was able to fill that card with over two years of memories of sweet mornings snuggling with a child, evenings relaxing with her husband, and solitary moments of rejuvenating herself on that swing. With a prompt note, she would have expressed appreciation for a gift. In her “late” note, she shared a love developed over time. I treasure that note to this day.
Another great tool I picked up came from a therapist whose class I attended. Not surprisingly, she spoke about relationships. She’s the one who taught me about our personal rewind buttons and how we can use them.
IN THE PAST
Didn’t handle a situation in the past as well as you’d like? Did you miss a chance to express love, support, or appreciation? Or were you unnecessarily harsh, impatient, or rude? You can usually go back later and do it over.
Script – I didn’t handle that the best way I could have the other day (week, month, year, decade). What I would like to have said or done is (fill in the blank). Can I please have a do-over?
IN THE PRESENT
Handling a conversation poorly? You can stop right then and rewind. In the middle of the interaction, you can take a breath to center yourself if needed, hold up a hand and say –
Script – Wait. (brief pause) I’m not happy with how I’m handling this. Can we please rewind?
Then take the conversation back to a place you were happy with and proceed again from there making the appropriate changes. Hint: It’s not like a movie where the scene stays the same every time we replay it. In real life, we can change the scene – a very cool feature of real life rewind buttons.
WHEN WE CAN’T CHANGE THE PAST
Sometimes it’s simply not possible for us to go back change something. Does that mean we can’t have a do-over? Nope! Our do-over just takes a different shape. It comes in the form of learning and doing better next time. Maybe the purpose of the chance we missed was not for us to “succeed” at that moment. Maybe the reason we had that experience was for us to learn from it, to have an opportunity to see where we are compared to where we’d like to be so we can grow and change.
Time spent beating ourselves up is wasted. Time spent recognizing our weaknesses and mistakes, giving ourselves grace, and analyzing how we can course correct is golden.
Moments aren’t lost nearly as often as we think they are. We get do-overs. There’s a new moment to be made – if we have the presence of mind and the courage to make it.