"I've always felt that, especially as women, we are born confident - and then we learn not to be." (Jamie Kern Lima, Believe It, pg 210)
I believe this is true, too - for almost all of us. And it's terribly sad. So, how does it happen?
All of us have our own stories of what lead us away from being radiant, self-assured children to being less confident adults living with a wide variety of insecurities. For some of us, our experiences began chipping away at our confidence at a very young age. Others of us made it a while longer. There are differences in our stories, but many similarities, too.
One major contributor to chinks - or straight-up gaping holes - in the armor of our self-confidence is self-comparison. Unfortunately, whatever path brought us to the damaging habit of self-comparison, it's a destination at which most of us arrive. In fact, I've never met a single soul who avoided this stop. Some move on more quickly than others, but it's a neighborhood we've all visited. Sadly, too many still live there.
From More Than a Body by Lindsay and Lexie Kite - "The insidious objectification of girls and women by other girls and women often looks like self-comparison and competition, questioning and commenting, policing and patrolling. It can also look positive and uplifting from the outside as we build each other up with compliments about how beautiful we are, but that sort of body commentary is still reinforcing the value of our appearance over all else." (pg 165)
Of course, it's nice to hear compliments on various aspects of our appearance, and personally, I don't believe we need to banish all appearance-based compliments toward others or ourselves. BUT - we would be wise to notice how many of our compliments are directed at appearance, since, "When they're about bodies, constant kind words can actually be unkind, as they serve to reinforce beauty as the foremost asset you have to offer the world."(MTaB, pg 172)
Bonding over beauty
Consider how much bonding between women is over appearance. On the negative side, sometimes we bond with other girls or women when we judge and tear down other girls and women, uniting in picking someone else apart. On the seemingly positive side, we want to build others up, and we reassure them of their beauty, leaving comments like, "Hot, hot, hot!" or "Gorgeous!" or any other number of looks-based remarks on social media feeds. We assure a friend she's beautiful when we notice her confidence waning. We do all kinds of well-intentioned things to lift others, but how many of them are appearance-related? And how much more effective might our efforts be, and how much deeper our connection if we bond over more than appearance?
So, how do we do that? We've been so conditioned give and receive comments about looks. How do we change how we validate people?
"In a culture that too often pits women against each other in competition, recognizing what we have in common - our common humanity - can decrease our feelings of isolation from each other. ... As soon as you develop compassion for yourself, your heart is softened toward everyone you come in contact with. You begin to see everyone's humanity, which allows you to work in unity instead of competition." (MTaB, pg 184) We talked last week about the power of self-compassion in combatting self-objectification. As we learn to stop objectifying ourselves, we will naturally stop objectifying others. When we stop objectifying them, we can truly and effectively build them up. It's a beautiful, natural progression.
What can we do?
First off, "Skip size and weight comments entirely, about yourself and anyone else." (MTaB, pg 191) Yep, entirely. But notice this doesn't say all appearance-related comments; it's specifically size and weight comments. We can do without them. Even if someone we care about is working hard to change their body's shape and is having some success, we can just as easily comment on their determination as on their appearance. By doing that, we remove any possible discouraging feelings that could happen if they regain weight or their body changes back to its former shape.
Secondly, an honest compliment can do wonders.
Storytime!
A dear friend of mine worked in San Francisco in the glory days of the dot-com boom. It was fascinating and thrilling in many ways but also had definite pressure cooker qualities too. At the end of especially soul-draining days, she would find her way to the cosmetics counter at the Macy's in Union Square, where the women working there would refill her soul with the care and pampering of a makeover. Over time, she went there often enough that the women knew her by name, and every single time she left there feeling renewed and rejuvenated. Those women got her through some trying times.
Later, she answered the call to assist her extended family by moving to another state to care for her sibling's children. While she loved doing it, she found herself with hours to fill during the day while the kids were in school. Wanting to serve other women the way the Macy's women had served her, she got a job at the Chanel counter at a Nordstrom department store.
As women came to her for makeovers, she was sure to treat them as kindly as she had been treated and made it her mission to have each woman leave feeling cared for and uplifted. She consistently found and commented on something of unique beauty in each woman.
Sometime after leaving that job, she received an email from a woman who had come to her counter years earlier. This woman went to the effort of tracking my friend down and getting her email address to tell her of the difference she had made in her life.
She let her know that before coming to her for that makeover, she had never believed she was beautiful. That belief held her back in many ways, including being too fearful and insecure to enter the world of dating. She left that makeup counter years earlier with a glimmer of hope. She began to question her long-held limiting - and false - belief because of the way my friend spoke to her and how she felt when she walked out of that store. She thought that if my friend saw something of beauty in her, maybe there was.
Gradually, that lead to her having the courage to begin dating and ultimately finding a wonderful man to whom she was then engaged. She tracked my friend down before she got married to thank her for the difference she had made by her heartfelt compliments.
So, um, yeah. Honest compliments matter.
And don't you wish my friend still worked at the Chanel counter so we all could have her give us that kind of makeover?
In my way of thinking, beauty has absolutely nothing to do with appearance and everything to do with essence. To see real beauty, we need to look much deeper than outward appearance. Our comments to our sisters can do boundless good when we take the time to really see them.
"Compliment her in ways that remind her she is more: 'I see the way you include those kids who want to play. You are so kind and compassionate.' Or 'You are an incredible artist. You have a gift that speaks to people's hearts.' Or anything else that helps her see that her purposes extend far beyond how well she decorates the earth. When she can find her many purposes, her body won't be her go-to source for value or acceptance." (MTaB, pg 190)
I whole-heartedly agree with Jamie Kern Lima when she says, "When you truly see and hear another human being, it's often the greatest possible gift you can give them. And yourself." (Believe It, pg 215)
So, here's our challenge, friends - to enrich and encourage our sisters and ourselves, to do what's in our power to restore in each other and ourselves the confidence with which we were born - to nourish each other body and soul.
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