Last week we learned about the problem of self-objectification. You can find that post HERE if you missed it. That wasn't so fun. BUT this week, we're learning about the antidote - self-actualization. Nourished friends, this is where our power is - and you know I love talking about personal power!
I kinda love the term self-actualization. Think about it. Its base word is actual, which means really existing or real, according to Merriam-Webster. That means the process of becoming self-actualized is recognizing what is real and true about yourself, letting go of all the lies or misconceptions you may have picked up along the way, and getting down to your true self, the real you. That's the best possible gift you can share with the world - your authentic self.
So, let's find out how.
Developing the skills of self-reflection and self-compassion
Self-reflection
Maybe you've seen a sign that states, "Help wanted. Inquire within." Self-reflection is like that. If we want help becoming our real selves, we need to inquire within.
In their book, More Than a Body, Lindsay and Lexie Kite give us four steps we can use for reflection when we're hit with a wave of self-doubt, or insecurity, or hurt. When we learn to see these disruptions as opportunities for growth, we become more resilient and real.
1) CHECK IN WITH YOURSELF. When you experience something painful or triggering or uncomfortable as it relates to your body or body image, ask yourself the following questions: On an emotional level, what am I feeling right now? (Am I angry? Sad? Motivated? Hopeful?) Physically, how do I feel? (Am I tense? Nauseous? Sweating? Is my heart rate elevated?) How am I reacting and responding? What do I feel compelled to do?
2) NAME THE WAVE. Ask yourself, "What is the specific instance or situation that caused me to experience this wave of disruption to my body image? (What happened to cause me to feel this way? Who said it? Who or what triggered it? How was I feeling before this wave hit me? Am I in a particularly emotionally vulnerable place? What deeper fears or feelings is this disruption bringing to light?) Instead of trying to pin a disruption on a broad situation, like "being invited to go swimming" or a million other examples, you can learn to see how many factors combine to trigger you at different times and in different ways. Maybe "being invited to go swimming" is a trigger because of who is inviting you, who you might see, how self-conscious you felt last time you wore your swimsuit, the fact that your body has changed, how you may not have the right swimsuit, or those negative comments you just saw on that Instagram post of that girl who looks like you. Take a moment to really consider what's pushing you under the water. As you look back on the wave that knocked you down, you can learn to redefine what it is, what it means to you, and how you can react to it.
3) RETHINK YOUR REACTION. When you've felt similar pain or shame in the past, how did you react? What we're your go-to coping mechanisms for dealing with body image blows? As you consider how you have responded in the past, ask yourself a few important questions to help you determine how you can now move forward in a way that serves you. Ask yourself: When I've dealt with similar feelings or shame or pain in my past, why did I respond that way? Did my response serve me or hurt me? What could I do differently this time? How can I see this as an opportunity for growth? What did I learn from this experience and my reaction to it? Do I have the resources to respond to this disruption in a healthier way?
4) CHART YOUR COURSE. If you feel like your responses to past disruptions served you, take note of how you responded and why it worked so well, and use that as motivation to deal with the pain you feel now in a more powerful way. If you feel your response caused you to sink or flounder, or didn't help you change in positive ways, think about how you might respond differently. This is your opportunity to choose a new path. Choosing a different response to a wave of disruption might feel less comfortable than simply rolling with old tried-and-true behaviors. The ways you've learned to cope may not ultimately be helpful, but they call it a comfort zone for a reason, and each disruption is an opportunity to get out of that seemingly safe state and into a more fulfilled way of being. (MTaB, pgs 133-135)
I know it can feel like a lot to stop and dwell in a moment of pain, shame, hurt, or embarrassment when our fight or flight response may be in high gear, but it's more than worth it. Taking the time to walk through these four steps, while it may be hard, can pave the way for far fewer of these moments in the future and likely make the ones we do experience less intense. The payoff can be life-changing.
So, where does recognizing that I'm much more than my body leave things like personal fashion and grooming? Is it "wrong" to want to dress up, fix my hair, have fun with make-up, or engage in any other activities related to my appearance? No, of course not. What it means is that it's up to me to choose my personal preferences and decide where the line between fun self-expression and cultural oppression lies.
It's also important to recognize that every woman has the right to decide that for herself. My daughter has her nails done regularly, wears make-up much more often, and is much more invested in her wardrobe than I am in mine. Does that mean she's vain or that I don't care enough about my appearance? Nope. What it means is pretty much nothing - except that our preferences differ.
We have no way of knowing all the reasons someone makes the choices they do. So, can we be wise, compassionate women and stop judging, shaming, or blaming others for the choices they make? Whether a woman never leaves the house without full hair and make-up and great attention to her outfit or shops Walmart in a messy bun, mismatched sweats, and no trace of make-up, their path is theirs, and yours is yours.
Imagine living in a world where compassion rather than judgment was the norm. This includes self-compassion, which is the second skill the Kites advocate in becoming self-actualized.
Self-compassion
This is precisely what it sounds like. "Self- compassion means having your own back..." (MTaB, pg 142)
"Self-compassion means being more willing to experience difficult feelings and to acknowledge them as valid and important. The beauty of self-compassion is that instead of trying to get rid of 'bad' feelings and replacing them with 'good' ones, positive emotions are generated by embracing our suffering with tenderness and care, so that light and dark are experienced simultaneously." (Dr. Kristin Neff, MTaB, pg 143)
When we're acting as our best selves, we're always kind, compassionate, and supportive to our dear friends when they're hurting - even when their own choice may have caused their misery. Even if we may have to say hard things to them, we say it with love and as much tenderness as possible. Why then can it be so hard to offer ourselves the same treatment? It may be challenging, but it's VITAL.
Not too long ago, I came across this thought, "You can't hate your body (or yourself) into a version of yourself you can love." So. Much, Truth.
In our efforts to be compassionate with ourselves, Lexie and Lindsay remind us of four practices to assist in that journey.
1) REACH OUT FOR HELP. Friends, You. Are. Not. Alone. I know it might feel like it sometimes, but it's simply not true. We may not find support and care from the people or places we think we will, but it is always there to be found. I promise.
2) RECONNECTING. Remember the sign that urges us to inquire within? That's what we need to do here. Reconnect with ourselves - our wise, beautiful, innocent, trustworthy selves. You've likely heard of "inner child" work. That falls into this category of reconnecting with ourselves. This practice of reconnecting is far too deep to cover in one or two paragraphs in a blog post, so if this idea speaks to you, please hit the internet and research it.
3) A SPIRITUAL SENSE OF SELF. " Seeking to connect more deeply with yourself might lead you not only to look beyond your immediate physical self, but also to explore your identity and purpose in a spiritual or metaphysical context - your reason for existing, the meaning in your life and your pain, your higher self, and the power that exists beyond yourself. ...Objectification reduces people to the physical - the observable. Spirituality can counter that force with an emphasis on the parts of ourselves that are invisible but connected to greater meaning and power." (MTaB, pg 155)
In my experience, having a strong sense of my spiritual self has been my saving grace not only in the most difficult times but in the smaller day-to-day challenges, too. Nourished friends, if you don't know and feel this side of yourself intensely already, I urge you to pursue this knowledge with everything you have. It makes all the difference.
4) SERVE. If you want to gain connection and get outside yourself to see a bigger picture, find ways to serve - your family, your friends, your community, your country, the world. Serving has its own kind of magic. Somehow it can not only lighten the load of those we serve, but at the same time, it lightens our load, too. You know your friends and family, so you can figure out how to serve them meaningfully, but if you want to reach out further, consider what you love, what weighs on your heart and mind. Do you love animals? Contact local animal shelters or rescues and see what they need that you might be able to provide. Does seeing homeless people in your area trigger feelings of concern or compassion? Local food banks and other programs always need support. If you're unsure how you might like to reach out or how you can help with the resources you have, check out JustServe.org. You can plug in your city, state, or zip code and a mile radius, and it will show you all kinds of service opportunities in your area.
With the skills of self-reflection and self-compassion added to our toolbox, we're well on our way to self-actualization, which undoubtedly leads to a life that's nourished body and soul.
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Prior posts in this series -
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