One of my favorite questions to ask people is, "What is one lesson Life has taught you so far?" I keep a journal with their answers because I realize my life experience is very narrow, and I want to learn from others' lives too. And it's a great way to get to know something real about someone.
I recently read a book I loved for many reasons, the main one being it's a whole book in which the author answers my favorite question. In Believe It, author Jamie Kern Lima, the founder of a company she started in her living room and later sold to L'Oreal for over a billion dollars, shares not only one but eighteen lessons she's learned so far - and man, are they good ones!
There will likely be future posts on other chapters, but today I'm sharing one of my favorites. I was cruising through the table of contents to see what goodies the book contained when I saw a chapter entitled "Believe in the Power of Your Microphone." I thought, "A chapter on finding and using your voice. That should be good," and kept on cruising.
I was wrong. It was even better than I thought it would be. It's not just about finding your voice; it's about "the power of your inner circle" being "one of the greatest secrets to success both in business and in life." (Believe It, pg 85)
Stop and think - Who are those you're closest to? What qualities do they have? What are their strengths, their weaknesses? What do they bring out in you and you in them? All of our people have had their share of challenges, of defeats, and victories that have shaped them, as we have. They hold a lot of wisdom - but also some of their own limiting beliefs. Just like we have our own.
"So many of us waste so much of our lives shrinking who we are and how we show up because we're worried what other people think. ... Not everyone is going to like each of us all the time no matter what. So why not accept it and show up as yourself?! Otherwise you're going to have haters and critics judging someone you're actually not, on top of it all. ... A key to believing in ourselves is surrounding ourselves with people who not only believe in us and love us for who we are but also sharpen us."(pg 91)
Now, here is where most others who talk about this advise cutting people out of our lives who aren't supportive, who don't see us as our best selves and help us be that person, or they'll emphasize that all we really need is for us to believe in ourselves with a forget-everyone-else-who-needs-them attitude. While there's some truth in the empowering idea of being our own hero in that way, that practice has some clear limits. For one thing, it doesn't foster the connection we are all born to desire and create.
So, what's a person to do? How can we have both connection and boundaries that facilitate our desire to be our best selves? What happens if the people we love and spend lots of time with aren't supportive of what we want to accomplish, of who we want to be?
Jamie shares something she learned from Bob Goff, "Bob taught me that we all have a microphone that we control in our lives. And we get to choose the people we hand that microphone to. We decide who speaks into it and at what volume. When we're able to decide who to let speak into our lives, or who we hand our microphone to, it can change everything." (pgs 92-93)
Imagine you're the host of the show that is your life. You control the mic. Who are you giving it to? Anyone who gets your mic is your guest - and I mean anyone: strangers, acquaintances, mentors, friends, relatives, children, parents, siblings, boyfriends, girlfriends, spouses, even the mean girl who may reside in your head. They are all your guests. You're the host. Your life is your show, and you have the right to decide who speaks in it. Are these people saying things or acting in ways that support what you want to do/have/become? Give 'em that mic and turn up the volume! Do you feel like they're not believing in or respecting you? Turn down their volume or take away the mic altogether.
We don't necessarily need to cut people out of our lives; we can just cut off their mic when needed.
This is so powerful because of how broadly it applies. In creating the life and the self we want, some people deserve never to hold our mic, and a very precious few deserve to have everything they say to us turned up. Everyone else falls somewhere in between, leaving us to choose which ideas or actions we amplify and which we cut off. This even - and especially - applies to what we say to ourselves.
We would be wise to consider our strengths and weaknesses and the strengths and weaknesses of those we hold close and turn up or turn down the volume accordingly. Do you have a friend who is super kind and thoughtful but not great with money? Hand them your mic when you're working through a tricky relationship issue, but not when you're making financial decisions. Is your spouse the best at finding solutions, but not so great when it comes to empathy? Then let them speak to helping you solve problems, but maybe hand someone else your mic if what you're looking for in that moment is compassion.
No one human can be all things to us at all times. We can't even do that for ourselves. We're only asking for hurt and heartache if we expect that from anyone, no matter how much we love them or how amazingly awesome they might be. (I do believe there is One who can be that for us, but that's another topic for a different space.)
I also firmly believe we have all the resources we need to do/be what we most desire. It's just that all those resources aren't going to come from one person. It's our job, our right, and our privilege to look around and determine which pieces to put in which places of our lives.
As we consider the topics, the timing, and the people we turn our mic over to, let's also be mindful about what we're speaking into others' microphones and respect their right to choose who they turn up or turn down in the lives they're creating.
Here's the really beautiful thing in all this: As we learn to control our mic effectively, we also learn to find our voice.
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